BROOKLYN – The world mourns today as Shawn Carter, AKA Jay Z, was found dead inside at the young age of 43.
While the official cause of death is still being investigated by Rap Genius editors and urban studies Ph.D.s, many have speculated that Jay Z killed himself inside.
“One minute he was doing great, producing lyrical dynamite full of incisive social commentary and witticisms,” remembers Christopher Wallace, AKA The Notorious B.I.G, whose soul remains alive despite his death in 1997.
“The next, he was an empty suit, laying face-down in a puddle of champagne and corporate sponsorships.”
“Picasso Brooklyn Nets Rothko Barclays Bugatti Samsung,” said Jay Z in catatonia above a snare drum and Justin Timberlake accompaniment. “MoMA MoMA Upper West Side.”
Carter was born December 4, 1969 in Brooklyn, which has also lost its unique soul and sound. The borough is survived by low-rise condominiums, secondhand plaid shirt retailers, and beards.
Jay Z is survived by his wife Beyoncé Knowles and his daughter Blue Ivy, who will never have the opportunity to live a fulfilling and invigorating life of successful crack dealing and will ultimately end up majoring in English at NYU before dying inside at 21.A funeral will be held at the Barclays Center next week. Jay Z will perform tracks off Magna Carta Holy Grail from his open casket, which is sponsored by Samsung.